Nice and Tight

I got my adjustment on Thursday morning. Nothing unusual there. I went in to the exam room, Dr. K asked about my ability to eat, the frequency of my hunger and its intensity. He decided I needed an adjustment (which I already knew). After that he got the necessary equipment, leaned back the exam table and before I knew it I was nice and tight.

I love the feeling of having a tight adjustment. I never eat or drink before I have an adjustment. I am too nervous even though I know it isn't a big deal at all. But still I just feel uncomfortable with the thought of consuming anything before I go in. When I go in I am given a small amount of water to gauge the tightness of the band. After that I am so full I don't eat or drink anything for most of the day. Like on Thursday I had the water at the doctors office, then I had another sip of water a couple of hours later. Then a two sips of slim fast around dinner time. And finished off my day with a couple peanuts and some apple sauce.

That was all I ate for the entire day. Today I had 1/2 an egg over about an hour period. Then I had a tall coffee from Starbucks, a couple bites of soup and some water throughout the day. All in all less than 1000 calories I would guess. That's what I need. The forced portion control that a good fill gives me is my ticket to losing weight. I've known it since I started this journey with my lap band. I just need to keep pushing until I achieve my weight-loss goals and after that just maintain my healthy weight. The band is my key to this success. I couldn't do it without it.

Plateau

I have got to a point that my body has become accustomed to the amount of restriction in my band. It is time to switch it up and get an adjustment. Next week, I already have my appointment.

But the reason that this becomes blog worthy is that I have been busting my ass to lose weight. I play tennis at least three times a week, usually more. I got to the gym 2 to 3 times a week. I do an at-home weight loss video nearly everyday. I bike, I walk, I am so so active. I eat healthy. Fresh fruits, veggies, grilled fish. Organic, whole grain, non-fat, all the things I am supposed to do. All the things that skinny people will tell you are all you have to do to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight. Well I don't believe them, still.

I did this before my surgery. Once in awhile I would lose a few pounds but those pounds usually came back and most of the time they brought friends. I couldn't do it on my own. I'm a young woman, I didn't want to admit that I felt like I had no control over my weight. When I admitted that I needed the assistance of weight-loss surgery I felt like I was admitting defeat. But now that my band is loose and I don't have much help, well I remember why I admitted defeat. I can't do this on my own. I can work hard, play hard, and eat healthy and my body will cling to every calorie. Only with the help of the band can I be successful in losing more weight. Thursday morning I get my adjustment, Thursday morning I get my help.

I'm feeling Hot Hot Hot.

What a change I have experienced in the last few months. It's like all the weight that was physically holding my back was doing the same for my personality. I feel like I am blossoming. Most of the changes are for the best, while there are a few that are not. But for the most part I am so pleased with what I am becoming. The new me is much more outgoing, happy and secure with myself. I still have alot of weight left to lose but with the change I have experienced up to this point I have most definitely made an amazing change.

I like the person I see in the mirror most of the time. Before I lost the weight I rarely did my hair or make-up and I never worried about my clothes because I felt like even if I put in the effort I still looked bad. I looked like a fat girl trying to fake cute, but I don't feel that way anymore. I feel hott. That feeling of confidence in myself has translated outward too. Other people are noticing a difference and responding to it. I don't ever remember anyone telling me I looked beautiful or hott other than family and close friends before I lost the weight, but now I can't count the number of times I have been told this even by people I hardly know.

This confidence has also given me the fortitude to stand up for myself. I don't let people walk on me the way I used to. I have found my voice to tell people when they are behaving inappropriately towards me. This surgery saved my life, it gave me a life, in more ways the one. I am so blessed and lucky to have made this decision. I wish everyone who would benefit from this surgery could have it. It literally changes your life almost instantly. There is nothing that would change my mind if ever given the opportunity to take it back, this band is mine and no one will ever take it from me.

I've heard said time and time again that having weight loss surgery is taking the easy way out. It seems that many people, especially those who have never struggled with their weight believe this way. As someone who has had the surgery I can say without a doubt that having the surgery is first of all not the easy way out and secondly not a guaranteed weight loss solution. Making the choice to risk your life to undergo any type of surgical procedure is not a light decision, and once you have made the decision and had the surgery it is a long process to heal and learn to listen to your band. In my case I even had to undergo a second procedure for my band. But regardless of the difficulties I would not change my mind.

With so many ways to get around the band to eat things that are full of fat and calories it takes a lot of self control to resist bad choices. Ice cream will slid right past the restriction, everything can be consumed in small quantities, you can ignore your doctors orders and drink soda and alcohol. I've always struggled with self control, that's one of the reasons I became large, and even with the band my lack of self control can put me at risk to regain the weight I've lost and potentially gain even more. I guess my point is that surgery is not the easy way out. The lap band is a tool that can either be a great help to you if you are using it the right way or a waste of time and money if you decide to make poor choices.

Another Day, Another Diet

For years it seemed that nearly every weekend was preparation for the new diet I was to begin on Monday. I would eat large quantities of food that I knew were bad for me because starting Monday I would not allow myself to eat those things. Every Monday was going to be the beginning of finally losing weight, of shedding the extra pounds and along with those pounds my self esteem issues and surly attitude. Each of those Mondays past was a new beginning that ultimately came to an end. I tried Atkins, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Shangri-La, and numerous other fad diets. Some were recommended to me by the teeming masses of women and men fighting the losing battle with obesity, some the t.v. showed me pictures of before/after miracles with tiny almost illegible captions of "these results are not typical" and some diets I made up on my own thinking that I knew enough about nutrition that I could create a plan of my own. Nothing worked. I would stick to it for a few days or a few weeks and on rare occasions a few months but before long I would fail. I would get sick of denying myself things that tasted good. Sick of avoiding occasions where I knew food would be served because I didn't trust my will-power to resist temptation. I don't dread Monday's the way I used to. I don't spend my weekends stuffing my face knowing that its my last days to eat before Monday ends my gluttony. I began my journey in October. It's not always an easy journey. There are times where my mind is hungry and I am physically full. Those times are hard. I know that if I listen to my mind, my body will physically reject the food, and I avoid that. But even on the dark days the days where I question my choice to have the lap-band surgery, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right the decision. This band is my life preserver. Without this band I would have sank into an ocean of despair letting my low self-esteem and unhealthy weight drag me down until life was not life anymore. I cling to my band and the hope it gives me. I watch the numbers on the scale slowly fall and I am buoyed by it. Life is good. Life is getting better.

Taco Bell in the Spirit of New Years Resolutions

While toiling away on my homework today I was listening to the television in the back ground. It seemed like every other commercial was for weight-loss. Pills, diets, low calorie dishes at chain restaurants, support programs etc. When Taco Bell came on talking about their new Taco Bell diet. With the woman claiming that she lost like forty pounds eating taco bell food, I couldn't help but laugh. No wonder we as a nation are all battling obesity. When commercials tell people they can lose weight on a Taco Bell diet, well it's rarely a recipe for success. I hope none of you are trying to lose weight by eating taco bell. It's all well and good if you are eating some of the healthier choices at TB if you go into it knowing you are eating fast food and aren't substituting fresh foods from the frozen things TB serves.

Holidays Gone Bye Bye

I love the holidays. I love being around loved ones and the general air of happiness that seems to float in the air through November and December. But alas I am glad to say good bye to them and get started on this new year. New years is such a fresh start. The mistakes and poor choices of the past year are behind you and it's an opportunity to fix things. I start off this new year with many lofty ambitions. Things I feel like I did wrong last year, I will do right this year. I will be a better person, a better student, a better daughter and a better friend.

One thing about being fat is that you either make the jokes are are the object of jokes. I made the jokes. I didn't want to be the clown, but I wanted even less to be made fun of. I changed who I was to accommodate for my size. I sacrificed my true identity as a ploy to mask the physical appearance with a larger than life personality. But faking everything about yourself does not make for an inner happiness that has much strength. Behind each joke their were silent tears. I wanted to be one of the girls but since they never knew me, how could I really count them as friends. This is what being overweight did to me. I am already an adult and I am having to reintroduce myself to people who have known me all my life. I've changed, but not really. I am the same person now that I always was but before I hid. I let laughter hides pain and tears. I still make jokes but not to hide pain. I make jokes because I like to laugh.