Holidays Gone Bye Bye

I love the holidays. I love being around loved ones and the general air of happiness that seems to float in the air through November and December. But alas I am glad to say good bye to them and get started on this new year. New years is such a fresh start. The mistakes and poor choices of the past year are behind you and it's an opportunity to fix things. I start off this new year with many lofty ambitions. Things I feel like I did wrong last year, I will do right this year. I will be a better person, a better student, a better daughter and a better friend.

One thing about being fat is that you either make the jokes are are the object of jokes. I made the jokes. I didn't want to be the clown, but I wanted even less to be made fun of. I changed who I was to accommodate for my size. I sacrificed my true identity as a ploy to mask the physical appearance with a larger than life personality. But faking everything about yourself does not make for an inner happiness that has much strength. Behind each joke their were silent tears. I wanted to be one of the girls but since they never knew me, how could I really count them as friends. This is what being overweight did to me. I am already an adult and I am having to reintroduce myself to people who have known me all my life. I've changed, but not really. I am the same person now that I always was but before I hid. I let laughter hides pain and tears. I still make jokes but not to hide pain. I make jokes because I like to laugh.