5 minute Meals

Life is so hectic right now. Just way too much going on. It is so nice that eating is not time consuming. I used to start thinking about what I would have for lunch and dinner while I was still eating breakfast. It was like my life surrounded when my next opportunity to eat was. I would plan these really comprehensive meals and invite people over and cook for hours. Now I can sip up some juice or slurp some soup, and it takes only moments before I am full and I can go back to what needs to be done. It saves me so much time. But at the same time if I want to sit with friends and socialize over a meal I've mastered the art of making two spoonfulls last forever.

This surgery has brought a new dimension to my life. A freedom to fill time I used to spend concentrating and daydreaming about food with other things. I can spend my lunch break reading books I've been wanting to, or I can go for a short walk. I worried before the surgery that I might miss out on life because I can't eat like I used to, but the further I get from my surgery date the more I am realizing that I am not missing out on life, I am gaining life. I can do more, I have more time, and life just keeps looking up.

My First Test

Today was my first real test. I can now eat things that are mostly liquid with a little bit of substance. Like apple sauce, yogurt, refried beans. Today my family hosted a Halloween potluck, the entire block smelt delicious. My cousin made stuffed mushrooms and the entire world seemed to be raving about them. I, well I had apple sauce. The old me wanted to eat an entire plate of food and then another and maybe another after that. The old me screamed and kicked, clawing to get out wanting so desperately to gorge myself on the piles of delicious food.

But then the new me stood up. The one that is 20 pounds lighter, she took over. I don't want that. I want to be thinner, to be healthy, to be a new me. I do not want to let what I was, what I used to be take over and ruin this chance, this opportunity to make a better future for myself. I will settle for apple sauce and the chance to be around my loved ones. I didn't miss out on the social experience. If anything I cherished it more, I wasn't so enthralled with what was on my plate.

I passed. I passed my first test. The first time I was surrounded by food and could really feel the woman I used to be straining to take control and fall into the same bad habits. This surgery, it's not always easy but I made the decision now I just have to stick with it, and to be honest the numbers on the scale falling steadily really help keep me on track.

Hungry

It's been over a week since the surgery and today is the first time that I felt hungry. I am trying to stick to low calorie liquids because I like the rate at which the numbers on the scale are falling. I am still getting to know my band. I miss those first few days post-op where my band even restricted fluids, and I was told that the band would loosen as the weight comes off. I should expect the restriction to lessen, but I crave it now. I crave that full feeling after three small sips of fluid. I know the band will loosen and I will be able to eat food in small quantities but I'm not ready. I don't want real food yet, I want soft foods and liquids. If I get to start eating real food then I will have to be more accountable of the types of food I consume. If I make a poor choice it won't be anyone's fault but my own. It's easy to say that you're going to change your life, it's harder to really implement those choices. To make the right decisions when faced with the wrong ones.

1 Week 18 Pounds

It's been exactly one week since surgery. I am officially 18 pounds lighter than I was 1 week ago. I've been fighting to lose weight for years now but to lose 18 pounds in one week is unfathomable. I would like to take credit for all of the weight loss. After so many years of trying I feel like I am entitled but in reality its all my band. Well my band and Dr. Keshishian and the staff at Delano Regional Medical Center. Without them I probably would have been heavier than I was a week ago rather than light. And with the holiday season coming up I can only imagine what weight I would have hit without getting this surgery. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I really do feel like I have a new lease on life. I feel like I have more energy, I'm happier and I just look and feel better all around.

Once I am all healed up and can get to the gym I can't wait to see the results. As the fat falls away and I tone and tighten my muscles I hope to hardly recognize myself. I'm hoping that I will have lost enough weight that I won't be ashamed to be in public in a swim suit this coming summer, and the summer after that I'm going to be in a bikini. When I used to think about the future, I used to worry that things might not work out the way I want them too. Now I have nothing but high hopes.

The Night Before

Tonight is the night before surgery. I am feeling a crazy mixture of emotions. I'm afraid because the idea of going under the knife is really scary. I'm beyond excited because I know that when I wake up after surgery tomorrow morning that I am on my way to finally losing weight. Mostly I'm antsy right now, I don't think I am going to be able to sleep tonight and that means this night is going to last forever. I can't concentrate on any thing. My neurons are firing like crazy. I'm thinking about what I'm going to look like once I lose the weight, I'm thinking how food is such an intricate part of our social experience and how I'm losing that. But mostly I'm thinking about how I can't wait for tomorrow to be over and to really get the show on the road and see the new me emerging from my fat cocooon.

It's Almost The End

I've established this blog as a way to share my journey with the lap-band surgery for weight-loss. I grew up thinking I was fat. Even before I really was over weight I thought I was. I remember being in junior high and being mistaken for a teacher. I was already 5'9 and flirting with 170. Not fat by any means but when your surrounded by girls who havn't really developed yet and are like 5'2 and barely 100 pounds, it starts to give you a complex. Once I thought I was fat, I started having the mentality that it didn't matter what I ate anymore because I was fat already. That mentality became my downfall, my weight ballooned. When I graduated high school I was 50 pounds heavier at 220. Through college my weight climbed, topping out at 320.

I made the decision to have the lap-band procedure because I had tried all the diets, I had tried different exercise routines and nothing seemed to work. I'd lose a few pounds here and there, sometimes close to forty pounds but always it came back. Sometimes I'd get discouraged and I would make poor choices, and sometimes it was like my body became immune to whatever diet I was using then. As of today I haven't been less than 280 in more than three years. My weight typically lies right near 300 and has held pretty steady there the past year.

I'm getting my surgery done this Friday with Dr. Keshishian from Central V alley Bariatrics at Delano Regional Medical Center. Resorting to surgery was a difficult decision for me to make, but I am sure that its the right choice for me. There is no question left in my mind. For now its just a waiting game. I've got three more days before surgery, but even better three more days to the rest of my life. A life that is not plagued by weight and health issues.