Another Day, Another Diet

For years it seemed that nearly every weekend was preparation for the new diet I was to begin on Monday. I would eat large quantities of food that I knew were bad for me because starting Monday I would not allow myself to eat those things. Every Monday was going to be the beginning of finally losing weight, of shedding the extra pounds and along with those pounds my self esteem issues and surly attitude. Each of those Mondays past was a new beginning that ultimately came to an end. I tried Atkins, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Shangri-La, and numerous other fad diets. Some were recommended to me by the teeming masses of women and men fighting the losing battle with obesity, some the t.v. showed me pictures of before/after miracles with tiny almost illegible captions of "these results are not typical" and some diets I made up on my own thinking that I knew enough about nutrition that I could create a plan of my own. Nothing worked. I would stick to it for a few days or a few weeks and on rare occasions a few months but before long I would fail. I would get sick of denying myself things that tasted good. Sick of avoiding occasions where I knew food would be served because I didn't trust my will-power to resist temptation. I don't dread Monday's the way I used to. I don't spend my weekends stuffing my face knowing that its my last days to eat before Monday ends my gluttony. I began my journey in October. It's not always an easy journey. There are times where my mind is hungry and I am physically full. Those times are hard. I know that if I listen to my mind, my body will physically reject the food, and I avoid that. But even on the dark days the days where I question my choice to have the lap-band surgery, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right the decision. This band is my life preserver. Without this band I would have sank into an ocean of despair letting my low self-esteem and unhealthy weight drag me down until life was not life anymore. I cling to my band and the hope it gives me. I watch the numbers on the scale slowly fall and I am buoyed by it. Life is good. Life is getting better.

Taco Bell in the Spirit of New Years Resolutions

While toiling away on my homework today I was listening to the television in the back ground. It seemed like every other commercial was for weight-loss. Pills, diets, low calorie dishes at chain restaurants, support programs etc. When Taco Bell came on talking about their new Taco Bell diet. With the woman claiming that she lost like forty pounds eating taco bell food, I couldn't help but laugh. No wonder we as a nation are all battling obesity. When commercials tell people they can lose weight on a Taco Bell diet, well it's rarely a recipe for success. I hope none of you are trying to lose weight by eating taco bell. It's all well and good if you are eating some of the healthier choices at TB if you go into it knowing you are eating fast food and aren't substituting fresh foods from the frozen things TB serves.

Holidays Gone Bye Bye

I love the holidays. I love being around loved ones and the general air of happiness that seems to float in the air through November and December. But alas I am glad to say good bye to them and get started on this new year. New years is such a fresh start. The mistakes and poor choices of the past year are behind you and it's an opportunity to fix things. I start off this new year with many lofty ambitions. Things I feel like I did wrong last year, I will do right this year. I will be a better person, a better student, a better daughter and a better friend.

One thing about being fat is that you either make the jokes are are the object of jokes. I made the jokes. I didn't want to be the clown, but I wanted even less to be made fun of. I changed who I was to accommodate for my size. I sacrificed my true identity as a ploy to mask the physical appearance with a larger than life personality. But faking everything about yourself does not make for an inner happiness that has much strength. Behind each joke their were silent tears. I wanted to be one of the girls but since they never knew me, how could I really count them as friends. This is what being overweight did to me. I am already an adult and I am having to reintroduce myself to people who have known me all my life. I've changed, but not really. I am the same person now that I always was but before I hid. I let laughter hides pain and tears. I still make jokes but not to hide pain. I make jokes because I like to laugh.

Slow Down

My weight-loss has definitely slowed down quite a bit. I am a little disappointed but at the same time I am glad that I am able to maintain a slow loss even without having a tight band. Some of my thoughts about eating have changed and even without the restriction the band gives prodding me to make the right choices I am making them. I have learned to appreciate the flavors of delicious food with out shoveling in as much as possible. I take my time while I eat and I savor. Taking time is also necessary to listen to the band. If you eat to fast it can be in vain if you know what I mean. I think maybe if I didn't eat so fast all my life I wouldn't have had a weight problem. I was always the type to force my stomach to consume as much food as possible in as little time as possible. Now eating is a long process. Even taking so much time to eat a meal I eat such a small fraction of what I used to. It's amazing the difference that slowing down can make.

2 1/2 months Post-Op