Julie's Lap-Band Journey

Nice and Tight

2010-04-03T00:10:00.000-07:00

I got my adjustment on Thursday morning. Nothing unusual there. I went in to the exam room, Dr. K asked about my ability to eat, the frequency of my hunger and its intensity. He decided I needed an adjustment (which I already knew). After that he got the necessary equipment, leaned back the exam table and before I knew it I was nice and tight.

I love the feeling of having a tight adjustment. I never eat or drink before I have an adjustment. I am too nervous even though I know it isn't a big deal at all. But still I just feel uncomfortable with the thought of consuming anything before I go in. When I go in I am given a small amount of water to gauge the tightness of the band. After that I am so full I don't eat or drink anything for most of the day. Like on Thursday I had the water at the doctors office, then I had another sip of water a couple of hours later. Then a two sips of slim fast around dinner time. And finished off my day with a couple peanuts and some apple sauce.

That was all I ate for the entire day. Today I had 1/2 an egg over about an hour period. Then I had a tall coffee from Starbucks, a couple bites of soup and some water throughout the day. All in all less than 1000 calories I would guess. That's what I need. The forced portion control that a good fill gives me is my ticket to losing weight. I've known it since I started this journey with my lap band. I just need to keep pushing until I achieve my weight-loss goals and after that just maintain my healthy weight. The band is my key to this success. I couldn't do it without it.

Plateau

2010-03-27T04:46:00.001-07:00

I have got to a point that my body has become accustomed to the amount of restriction in my band. It is time to switch it up and get an adjustment. Next week, I already have my appointment.

But the reason that this becomes blog worthy is that I have been busting my ass to lose weight. I play tennis at least three times a week, usually more. I got to the gym 2 to 3 times a week. I do an at-home weight loss video nearly everyday. I bike, I walk, I am so so active. I eat healthy. Fresh fruits, veggies, grilled fish. Organic, whole grain, non-fat, all the things I am supposed to do. All the things that skinny people will tell you are all you have to do to lose weight and maintain a healthy weight. Well I don't believe them, still.

I did this before my surgery. Once in awhile I would lose a few pounds but those pounds usually came back and most of the time they brought friends. I couldn't do it on my own. I'm a young woman, I didn't want to admit that I felt like I had no control over my weight. When I admitted that I needed the assistance of weight-loss surgery I felt like I was admitting defeat. But now that my band is loose and I don't have much help, well I remember why I admitted defeat. I can't do this on my own. I can work hard, play hard, and eat healthy and my body will cling to every calorie. Only with the help of the band can I be successful in losing more weight. Thursday morning I get my adjustment, Thursday morning I get my help.

I'm feeling Hot Hot Hot.

2010-02-28T03:28:00.000-08:00

What a change I have experienced in the last few months. It's like all the weight that was physically holding my back was doing the same for my personality. I feel like I am blossoming. Most of the changes are for the best, while there are a few that are not. But for the most part I am so pleased with what I am becoming. The new me is much more outgoing, happy and secure with myself. I still have alot of weight left to lose but with the change I have experienced up to this point I have most definitely made an amazing change.

I like the person I see in the mirror most of the time. Before I lost the weight I rarely did my hair or make-up and I never worried about my clothes because I felt like even if I put in the effort I still looked bad. I looked like a fat girl trying to fake cute, but I don't feel that way anymore. I feel hott. That feeling of confidence in myself has translated outward too. Other people are noticing a difference and responding to it. I don't ever remember anyone telling me I looked beautiful or hott other than family and close friends before I lost the weight, but now I can't count the number of times I have been told this even by people I hardly know.

This confidence has also given me the fortitude to stand up for myself. I don't let people walk on me the way I used to. I have found my voice to tell people when they are behaving inappropriately towards me. This surgery saved my life, it gave me a life, in more ways the one. I am so blessed and lucky to have made this decision. I wish everyone who would benefit from this surgery could have it. It literally changes your life almost instantly. There is nothing that would change my mind if ever given the opportunity to take it back, this band is mine and no one will ever take it from me.

2010-02-08T05:32:00.000-08:00

I've heard said time and time again that having weight loss surgery is taking the easy way out. It seems that many people, especially those who have never struggled with their weight believe this way. As someone who has had the surgery I can say without a doubt that having the surgery is first of all not the easy way out and secondly not a guaranteed weight loss solution. Making the choice to risk your life to undergo any type of surgical procedure is not a light decision, and once you have made the decision and had the surgery it is a long process to heal and learn to listen to your band. In my case I even had to undergo a second procedure for my band. But regardless of the difficulties I would not change my mind.

With so many ways to get around the band to eat things that are full of fat and calories it takes a lot of self control to resist bad choices. Ice cream will slid right past the restriction, everything can be consumed in small quantities, you can ignore your doctors orders and drink soda and alcohol. I've always struggled with self control, that's one of the reasons I became large, and even with the band my lack of self control can put me at risk to regain the weight I've lost and potentially gain even more. I guess my point is that surgery is not the easy way out. The lap band is a tool that can either be a great help to you if you are using it the right way or a waste of time and money if you decide to make poor choices.

Another Day, Another Diet

2010-01-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

For years it seemed that nearly every weekend was preparation for the new diet I was to begin on Monday. I would eat large quantities of food that I knew were bad for me because starting Monday I would not allow myself to eat those things. Every Monday was going to be the beginning of finally losing weight, of shedding the extra pounds and along with those pounds my self esteem issues and surly attitude. Each of those Mondays past was a new beginning that ultimately came to an end. I tried Atkins, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Shangri-La, and numerous other fad diets. Some were recommended to me by the teeming masses of women and men fighting the losing battle with obesity, some the t.v. showed me pictures of before/after miracles with tiny almost illegible captions of "these results are not typical" and some diets I made up on my own thinking that I knew enough about nutrition that I could create a plan of my own. Nothing worked. I would stick to it for a few days or a few weeks and on rare occasions a few months but before long I would fail. I would get sick of denying myself things that tasted good. Sick of avoiding occasions where I knew food would be served because I didn't trust my will-power to resist temptation. I don't dread Monday's the way I used to. I don't spend my weekends stuffing my face knowing that its my last days to eat before Monday ends my gluttony. I began my journey in October. It's not always an easy journey. There are times where my mind is hungry and I am physically full. Those times are hard. I know that if I listen to my mind, my body will physically reject the food, and I avoid that. But even on the dark days the days where I question my choice to have the lap-band surgery, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right the decision. This band is my life preserver. Without this band I would have sank into an ocean of despair letting my low self-esteem and unhealthy weight drag me down until life was not life anymore. I cling to my band and the hope it gives me. I watch the numbers on the scale slowly fall and I am buoyed by it. Life is good. Life is getting better.

Taco Bell in the Spirit of New Years Resolutions

2010-01-27T17:53:00.000-08:00

While toiling away on my homework today I was listening to the television in the back ground. It seemed like every other commercial was for weight-loss. Pills, diets, low calorie dishes at chain restaurants, support programs etc. When Taco Bell came on talking about their new Taco Bell diet. With the woman claiming that she lost like forty pounds eating taco bell food, I couldn't help but laugh. No wonder we as a nation are all battling obesity. When commercials tell people they can lose weight on a Taco Bell diet, well it's rarely a recipe for success. I hope none of you are trying to lose weight by eating taco bell. It's all well and good if you are eating some of the healthier choices at TB if you go into it knowing you are eating fast food and aren't substituting fresh foods from the frozen things TB serves.

Holidays Gone Bye Bye

2010-01-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

I love the holidays. I love being around loved ones and the general air of happiness that seems to float in the air through November and December. But alas I am glad to say good bye to them and get started on this new year. New years is such a fresh start. The mistakes and poor choices of the past year are behind you and it's an opportunity to fix things. I start off this new year with many lofty ambitions. Things I feel like I did wrong last year, I will do right this year. I will be a better person, a better student, a better daughter and a better friend.

One thing about being fat is that you either make the jokes are are the object of jokes. I made the jokes. I didn't want to be the clown, but I wanted even less to be made fun of. I changed who I was to accommodate for my size. I sacrificed my true identity as a ploy to mask the physical appearance with a larger than life personality. But faking everything about yourself does not make for an inner happiness that has much strength. Behind each joke their were silent tears. I wanted to be one of the girls but since they never knew me, how could I really count them as friends. This is what being overweight did to me. I am already an adult and I am having to reintroduce myself to people who have known me all my life. I've changed, but not really. I am the same person now that I always was but before I hid. I let laughter hides pain and tears. I still make jokes but not to hide pain. I make jokes because I like to laugh.

Slow Down

2010-01-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

My weight-loss has definitely slowed down quite a bit. I am a little disappointed but at the same time I am glad that I am able to maintain a slow loss even without having a tight band. Some of my thoughts about eating have changed and even without the restriction the band gives prodding me to make the right choices I am making them. I have learned to appreciate the flavors of delicious food with out shoveling in as much as possible. I take my time while I eat and I savor. Taking time is also necessary to listen to the band. If you eat to fast it can be in vain if you know what I mean. I think maybe if I didn't eat so fast all my life I wouldn't have had a weight problem. I was always the type to force my stomach to consume as much food as possible in as little time as possible. Now eating is a long process. Even taking so much time to eat a meal I eat such a small fraction of what I used to. It's amazing the difference that slowing down can make.

2 1/2 months Post-Op

2010-01-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

The End of 2009

2009-12-31T12:35:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of 2009 I made a New Years resolution to lose weight. Much like I have every year for the past 10 years. Unlike the past ten years, this year I was finally sucessful. I've lost a total of about seventy pounds this year, and fifty of those have been since my lap band operation in October. Looking back at all the years I made resolutions to lose weight and failed miserably, I wonder what took me so long. I made the decision to have a lap band nearly five years ago but put it off because of fear. The fear of an operation, the fear of having to change my life, the fear of admitting that I was unable to lose weight on my own. Those fears held me back five years from becoming the thin girl I always wanted to be. I wish that I would have made this decision sooner, then I would have had five years of not failed weight-loss resolutions.

This year I will once again make the resolution to lose weight, but this year I will not fail. This is the year I will reach my goal weight. All thanks to my lap-band, my surgeon and the hospital where I had my operation. Making a New Years resolution that I know unquestionably I will be sucessful at keeping is envigorating. I can't wait to see what I am going to look like by the end of 2010.

To those of you reading this blog. If you have made numerous failed New years resolutions to lose weight, if you feel like you should just give up because nothing seems to help you lose weight then make that choice to do something this year. Stop trying the fad diets, quit paying for a gym membership you never use, and finally do something about your weight problem. It's worth it, I feel like I have a new lease on life and you can too.

Not the Stomach Flu

2009-12-20T16:25:00.000-08:00

So apparently it was not the stomach flu that made it impossible for me to keep, anything down. While it may have been some type of stomach flu initially my constant vomiting was caused by a complication with my lap band. I guess at some point my band partially flipped due to throwing up or something. I wound up having surgery last week and am once again allowing myself to rest and heal. I am feeling pretty good now. Sore annd tired but I can tell I am healing and I am super happy that I am able to keep things down finally.

I am happy that I put this bump on my road to a thinner me behind and as soon as my body is healed I am exicted to get back on the right trak to achieving my weightloss goals. Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday.

Stomach Flu

2009-12-13T15:23:00.000-08:00

If this time of year is not stressful enough, I've a raging war with the stomach flu to make it all the worse. Rather than telling you all about the tantalizing tidbits about my fight with my illness, I will leave it at this. Me and a certain piece of porcelain functional art have become intimate friends.

Because vomiting can harm the band I had to go see Dr. Keshishian and have him remove the fluid from the band so that there would be no restriction in either direction. Other than that I will just have to wait it out until I am finally able to keep things down.

Some Pics from a Few Days Post-Op

2009-12-05T12:58:00.000-08:00

Officer Help The Holidays Are Stealing All My Time

2009-12-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

So between the holidays and the end of the semester I am suffering from a severe lack of time. So to keep all of you up to date on my weight loss journey I am going to link a twitter account to my blog so you can follow my short and sweet daily updates.

www.twitter.com/lapbandjulie

Finally My Picture

2009-12-02T07:14:00.000-08:00

I finally was able to post a picture of myself. I had some profession pictures taken the day before surgery and I finally got my copies. I can't say I love them, mostly because I didn't really love the person in them. They look better than I expected them too and in them I look better than I actually did. But that's changed now. I still have a lot of work to do and still a lot of weight to lose but the difference that forty pounds makes is incredible. My face is slimmer, well all of me is slimmer but I notice the difference the most in my face. I don't avoid taking pictures as much anymore, in fact I usually stand proud and smile (as long as I'm wearing makeup). These pictures will help chronicle my transformation. I think I will wait until New Years Eve to share my first after picture. And then I will share some of the pictures I have taken to chronicle my journey.

I am so grateful that Dr. Keshishian and Delano Regional Medical Center perform this surgery. I can't help but think of that commercial where the girl is like, "I changed my life with just one phone call." That's me now, my call to Dr. Keshishian has changed my life in ways that I can't even begin to fathom. I am turning into a different person, I am physically shrinking but my personality is growing. I am happier, more self-confident and I can finally stand up for myself. Doors aren't just opening for me, they are being flung wide in every direction. Opportunities at every turn, and it's all thanks to Dr. Keshishian.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-28T13:25:00.001-08:00

Every year about this time I am still recovering from my over indulgence on Thanksgiving. I struggle with bouts of guilt for over eating, indigestion, and general over consumption discomfort. This year I did not gain ten pounds of Thanksgiving weight, I continued to lose weight. I still enjoyed the festive flavors, I savored each morsel of food I was able to consume. The turkey melted in my mouth, the mashed potatoes were exquisite, the stuffing out of this world, and I couldn't have asked for more from the pumpkin pie. There were times where it got hard. I was full too soon, even before every one sat down to eat. Sampling the food as I helped cook filled me up. I avoided sitting down and instead watched the kids and that helped. When I would feel hungry I would try something else of the table in a very small bite. Part of me wished I could sit down and eat with everyone else, without worrying which foods will hurt my new stomach, but seeing that the number on the scale dropped rather than increased made the difficulty of Thanksgiving worth it.

People say that having a weight loss surgery is taking the easy way out. Those people are wrong. It's not the easy way, it is just a different equally hard way. If I had not had this surgery I would have dieted and fought forever. But I would have still been able to eat whatever I wanted and never would have been able to lose the weight. I knew that I did not have the self control to keep from eating things that were bad for me unless it was medically necessary, I needed to not be physically able to consume the foods I crave so much, at least not in the quantities I used to. Sometimes it is so hard to resist the urge to eat foods I know are not healthy for me. Or to stop eating when I am full, because my brain wants to over eat. I still have to exercise and I fight a mental battle constantly. Re-learning what I can eat is difficult and if I make a mistake it can be painful. But I would make that decision a thousand more times. Its my rebirth.

Shout Out

2009-11-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

When I was making my decision to have the lap band procedure one of the main things that really pushed me into a definite positive was having someone else who had a lap band to talk to. Someone who had made a success of their lap band. Someone who knew the in's and out's of the band from first hand knowledge and not just text books. One of the reasons I am doing this blog is to be that person to those of you out there thinking about having the surgery, or those who have just had the surgery. I am an open book, I will tell you the good, the bad and the ugly. If you have a question, or just need some advice. I am here for all of you. Comment on a post or shoot me an email. My email address is jucollins@csufresno.edu. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Julie

First Fill

2009-11-20T22:18:00.000-08:00

I had my first fill earlier today. I was terrified. I knew that getting an adjustment meant having a hypodermic needle inserted through my skin and into the port. That needle scared me. I don't like needles, I try to avoid them and I knew this needle was going to be poking into my stomach. By the time I got Delano Regional Medical Center, and took the elevator up to Dr. Keshishian's office I was shaking. I had to wait since it was a busy morning, and the same urge I had pre-surgery to run tried to over take me.

I stuck it out and I am glad I did. Dr. Keshishian asked me some questions about how much I could eat, when I felt hungry, how soon after eating did I become hungry and after what I told him he confirmed that I needed an adjustment. He left and came back with a box from the company that makes the band, the box was even labeled adjustment kit.

After that he laid me down and wiped off the skin over my port. I tried not to look but couldn't help it, the needle wasn't as big as I expected it to be. When he finally inserted the needle into my stomach I didn't even feel it. I could feel it as he manipulated the needle around trying to hit the rubber stopper of the port. But the worst pain felt like a normal injection in your arm. Adjustments are no big deal. The fear and anxiety I felt was wasted. After the needle was in the doctor sat me up and gave me a drink of water. As I drank the water he asked me to tell him when I could feel the water in my chest, then he removed fluid and asked me to tell him when the water was no longer in my chest. After which he inserted more saline to give me some restriction.

When I went into the doctors appointment I was hungry. I had been too nervous to eat in the morning. By the time I walked out of Dr. Keshishian's office I was full and for the rest of the day all I consumed was less than half of a Kellogg's protein shake. Its fantastic. This is the kind of restriction I need to keep losing weight. It's hard sometimes, I want to eat, but knowing that I can't forces me to make the right decisions and that means that I am getting thinner, healthier and overall happier.

Tomorrow is My First Adjustment

2009-11-19T16:10:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my first adjustment. I am pretty scared because I know that they use a needle and insert it through my skin and into my port and then fill my band with saline. The real first adjustment happened while I was still in surgery. Tomorrow will be the first time I am aware of the adjustment. I've talked to other people who have had the surgery and they have told me what to expect. The doctors use local anesthetic to numb the skin over the port area, and as they insert liquid they ask you to drink fluid until you can't and then they remove a small amount of the saline to allow you the ability to eat and drink small amounts. I was also told that after each adjustment it would take learning to eat again just like right after surgery.

I'm excited for my adjustment because I am hoping that because I will have more restriction again that the numbers on the scale will continue to fall. I would like to lose fifty pounds by Valentine's Day. So I really need to see those numbers drop continuously.

Reaching my Maximum Capacity

2009-11-18T19:40:00.000-08:00

The thing about having a new part of my body, this band that is my savior, is that I am having to learn to eat all over again. People who have had the surgery before, and Dr. Keshishian, warned me that as I began to eat real food again I would have to learn what I can handle now. Eat things slowly, listen to your stomach and to the band. I was also told that it would probably take awhile before I would learn and I would most likely throw up a few times. I have tried to do this and I know what my body can handle in what quantities for the most part. When I am trying that first bite I am very careful. I take small bites and wait and feel the sensation that the food causes me. Ground beef is not my friend in any quantity in any meal. One bite and in seconds I can feel the discomfort, flour tortillas are also on the no no list. Today was the first time I let my hunger over ride my better judgement and made myself sick.

There have been days and meals where I have had discomfort. Even times where I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach, but I avoid at all costs the need to vomit. Today I was unable to avoid that end. I made myself sick because I let the old me try to gulp my food without listening to my band and without thinking about the amount of food I was trying to eat. While I wish that I would have avoided having to throw up I am happy that I was able to experience the negative consequence of eating too much. Maybe this way I will be more careful and be sure to listen to my band and not try to eat too much.

Eating Out with the Lap Band

2009-11-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

I've gotten to a point since my surgery that I am now able to eat solid foods. I just have to listen to my band and follow the pointers it gives me in the form of discomfort or fullness to make the decisions on what to eat. I've found so far that white meat is easier than red meat, but only in small bites. Me and ground beef, so not friends. Not in any form. Steamed and sauteed veggies are the best, and scrambled eggs are the perfect am meal especially when paired with half a white corn tortilla. My eating habits have changed since the surgery but not just in the amount of food that I am capable of consuming. I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat as much, but I didn't expect that having the surgery would make it easier to make the right decisions at meal times.

Eating is still something I enjoy, it has just become something that takes a little more effort. I find that instead of eating what ever is placed in front of me or sounds good I reply with: "I can't have that," "That doesn't settle well," and my favorite "I don't want that." Sometimes the band is what stops me from eating something but I am finding more and more that I am stopping me. Like today for Veterans Day I went to lunch with a friend recently back from Iraq. The waitress seemed determined to serve us dessert, and they looked fantastic. I was super craving sweets, and I wanted to go ahead and place an order for that dessert but I was resolved and tore my eyes from the menu. While my shrinking fat cells screamed for that dessert, I was resolved to make the right decision, plus I had enough left overs as it was.

I am thankful everyday to Dr. Keshishian and Delano Regional Medical Center. The surgery has changed my life. It has changed who I am and what I feel. I still have much more weight to lose but I am already to a point where I have more self-confidence and can stand up for myself. I feel so much more positive about who I am that I am striving to better myself even farther and not just in a physical sense I want to advance my education, refine my taste in music and entertainment. I don't want to hide behind the mask of a funny fat girl any more, and I won't.

Tennis

2009-11-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

I played tennis today with an old friend from high school. I love tennis but I hasn't played much since high school. Playing tennis when you are heavy is hard on the knees. A couple of years ago I took up tennis for a few weeks with a co-worker and during that time I bought a tennis skirt that was too tight. I thought that since I was going to be playing tennis regularly I would lose weight and would need that smaller size. I stopped playing regularly and every once in a great long while I would put that skirt on to hit a few balls with a friend. The skirt was always too too tight but since my fat gut was covered with my t-shirt I still wore it.

This morning I dug that skirt out and was surprised to find that the skirt that had been perpetually tight, The one that I had given up on ever fitting was loose. Almost to the point of falling off. It was amazing. I wore that skirt this morning. I think it might be the last time. I'm happy to say goodbye to it.

Moving on. I felt so great when I played this morning. I just felt more full of energy, healthier and more capable of being active. I had more energy throughout the day, and well into the night. I think I may go play in the morning if my friend is up for it. Chasing all the bad hits is really good exercise. Plus its super fun.

Week 3

2009-11-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since I last posted. In that time I have been able to start exercising. I still have to be careful not to over do it but its really nice to be able to start really pushing myself to burn the calories. I decided I would just go for long walks for the next few weeks and then after that I think I will start visiting the gym. I mostly walk around my neighborhood because I get tired easily and I don't want to get to far from home when I lose my energy. Aside from my walks though I have noticed that since I started to exercise regularly my energy has increased and I am able to stay awake later into the night.

I've also been able to add more foods to my diet. I made some mild chili early this week and mashed up the beans and added juice and it was really good. I've also got to the point where I can eat something in the morning and it settles fine. Occasionally before I would try to eat something before ten am and it would just sit there making me feel uncomfortable. I am still in the process of exploring the limits of my band. What I can eat, what makes me feel uncomfortable, and what is good for me to eat. Since I got the band, I've found that my self-control for what I can eat is a lot higher. I still want the foods that I know are bad for me but I have more will power to resist them. Perhaps one of the benefits of going under the knife to lose the weight is an increase in the personal responsibility and determination to make the right health choices.

5 minute Meals

2009-10-28T12:25:00.001-07:00

Life is so hectic right now. Just way too much going on. It is so nice that eating is not time consuming. I used to start thinking about what I would have for lunch and dinner while I was still eating breakfast. It was like my life surrounded when my next opportunity to eat was. I would plan these really comprehensive meals and invite people over and cook for hours. Now I can sip up some juice or slurp some soup, and it takes only moments before I am full and I can go back to what needs to be done. It saves me so much time. But at the same time if I want to sit with friends and socialize over a meal I've mastered the art of making two spoonfulls last forever.

This surgery has brought a new dimension to my life. A freedom to fill time I used to spend concentrating and daydreaming about food with other things. I can spend my lunch break reading books I've been wanting to, or I can go for a short walk. I worried before the surgery that I might miss out on life because I can't eat like I used to, but the further I get from my surgery date the more I am realizing that I am not missing out on life, I am gaining life. I can do more, I have more time, and life just keeps looking up.

My First Test

2009-10-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

Today was my first real test. I can now eat things that are mostly liquid with a little bit of substance. Like apple sauce, yogurt, refried beans. Today my family hosted a Halloween potluck, the entire block smelt delicious. My cousin made stuffed mushrooms and the entire world seemed to be raving about them. I, well I had apple sauce. The old me wanted to eat an entire plate of food and then another and maybe another after that. The old me screamed and kicked, clawing to get out wanting so desperately to gorge myself on the piles of delicious food.

But then the new me stood up. The one that is 20 pounds lighter, she took over. I don't want that. I want to be thinner, to be healthy, to be a new me. I do not want to let what I was, what I used to be take over and ruin this chance, this opportunity to make a better future for myself. I will settle for apple sauce and the chance to be around my loved ones. I didn't miss out on the social experience. If anything I cherished it more, I wasn't so enthralled with what was on my plate.

I passed. I passed my first test. The first time I was surrounded by food and could really feel the woman I used to be straining to take control and fall into the same bad habits. This surgery, it's not always easy but I made the decision now I just have to stick with it, and to be honest the numbers on the scale falling steadily really help keep me on track.

Hungry

2009-10-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's been over a week since the surgery and today is the first time that I felt hungry. I am trying to stick to low calorie liquids because I like the rate at which the numbers on the scale are falling. I am still getting to know my band. I miss those first few days post-op where my band even restricted fluids, and I was told that the band would loosen as the weight comes off. I should expect the restriction to lessen, but I crave it now. I crave that full feeling after three small sips of fluid. I know the band will loosen and I will be able to eat food in small quantities but I'm not ready. I don't want real food yet, I want soft foods and liquids. If I get to start eating real food then I will have to be more accountable of the types of food I consume. If I make a poor choice it won't be anyone's fault but my own. It's easy to say that you're going to change your life, it's harder to really implement those choices. To make the right decisions when faced with the wrong ones.

1 Week 18 Pounds

2009-10-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's been exactly one week since surgery. I am officially 18 pounds lighter than I was 1 week ago. I've been fighting to lose weight for years now but to lose 18 pounds in one week is unfathomable. I would like to take credit for all of the weight loss. After so many years of trying I feel like I am entitled but in reality its all my band. Well my band and Dr. Keshishian and the staff at Delano Regional Medical Center. Without them I probably would have been heavier than I was a week ago rather than light. And with the holiday season coming up I can only imagine what weight I would have hit without getting this surgery. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I really do feel like I have a new lease on life. I feel like I have more energy, I'm happier and I just look and feel better all around.

Once I am all healed up and can get to the gym I can't wait to see the results. As the fat falls away and I tone and tighten my muscles I hope to hardly recognize myself. I'm hoping that I will have lost enough weight that I won't be ashamed to be in public in a swim suit this coming summer, and the summer after that I'm going to be in a bikini. When I used to think about the future, I used to worry that things might not work out the way I want them too. Now I have nothing but high hopes.

The Night Before

2009-10-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the night before surgery. I am feeling a crazy mixture of emotions. I'm afraid because the idea of going under the knife is really scary. I'm beyond excited because I know that when I wake up after surgery tomorrow morning that I am on my way to finally losing weight. Mostly I'm antsy right now, I don't think I am going to be able to sleep tonight and that means this night is going to last forever. I can't concentrate on any thing. My neurons are firing like crazy. I'm thinking about what I'm going to look like once I lose the weight, I'm thinking how food is such an intricate part of our social experience and how I'm losing that. But mostly I'm thinking about how I can't wait for tomorrow to be over and to really get the show on the road and see the new me emerging from my fat cocooon.

It's Almost The End

2009-10-13T15:59:00.000-07:00

I've established this blog as a way to share my journey with the lap-band surgery for weight-loss. I grew up thinking I was fat. Even before I really was over weight I thought I was. I remember being in junior high and being mistaken for a teacher. I was already 5'9 and flirting with 170. Not fat by any means but when your surrounded by girls who havn't really developed yet and are like 5'2 and barely 100 pounds, it starts to give you a complex. Once I thought I was fat, I started having the mentality that it didn't matter what I ate anymore because I was fat already. That mentality became my downfall, my weight ballooned. When I graduated high school I was 50 pounds heavier at 220. Through college my weight climbed, topping out at 320.

I made the decision to have the lap-band procedure because I had tried all the diets, I had tried different exercise routines and nothing seemed to work. I'd lose a few pounds here and there, sometimes close to forty pounds but always it came back. Sometimes I'd get discouraged and I would make poor choices, and sometimes it was like my body became immune to whatever diet I was using then. As of today I haven't been less than 280 in more than three years. My weight typically lies right near 300 and has held pretty steady there the past year.

I'm getting my surgery done this Friday with Dr. Keshishian from Central V alley Bariatrics at Delano Regional Medical Center. Resorting to surgery was a difficult decision for me to make, but I am sure that its the right choice for me. There is no question left in my mind. For now its just a waiting game. I've got three more days before surgery, but even better three more days to the rest of my life. A life that is not plagued by weight and health issues.